Judge Writes Racy Screenplay

Like a river, a theme runs through my last several columns. It is the painful but important recognition that judges, like all humans, are subject to foibles, prone to mistakes, and liable to fall on their faces at the slightest impulse. My frank exploration of this phenomenon has stimulated an interest in some of my readers that borders on the obsessive. Diverse in their backgrounds and philosophies, they share two common characteristics: 1. they are not judges, 2. they take a morbid delight recounting the concrete example I provided of the prosaic maxim that no one, which includes no judge, is above the law. Why such exhilaration over the knowledge that speeding judge gets traffic ticket and attends all day traffic school where know-it-all instructor lords it over him?
Whatever the reason, I have thoroughly examined the existential dilemma of the judge as authority figure, decision maker, and arbiter of right and wrong on the one hand, and floundering, insecure dolt on the other. How best to bridge the gap between omnipotence and ineptitude? I have the answer. It can be summed up in one word: awareness. Judges must be cognizant of their shortcomings. The seeming simplicity of my solution is complex in application. In the infinite variety of situations in which judges find themselves, one cannot reasonably expect them to be aware of everything they do or say each and every moment.
As just one example, judges who decide cases involving important and sensitive issues regarding bias and sexual harassment could themselves be unwittingly guilty of the very conduct that gives rise to the lawsuit they are deciding. It is like the basketball referee who double dribbles when he and his buddies play basketball on his day off.
To heighten the self-awareness of judges hearing cases involving workplace harassment torts, and to make them more sensitive to their own employees and litigants, I have written an instructive yet artistic screenplay. Oddly, investor interest has been tepid. I have pitched my script to various studios but not one has bitten. If you are over 12 years of age, no one in this business will give you the time of day. The studios could learn something about age discrimination, but obviously they are not aware of their own biases.
The Center for Judicial Education and Research has a copy of the script. I still haven’t heard anything from them. I think they are mulling it over. They have had it for 8 years. If I don’t hear from them soon, I'm going to shop it elsewhere. Space and time do not permit me to reproduce the script in its entirety, but here are some highlights. The discerning reader will note the influence of French New Wave cinema. The working title is simply “Bias,” Un film de Artur Gilber. (Soft G.)
Throughout the film an on screen narrator functions as a Greek chorus. Dressed in judicial robes, he or she is the embodiment of judicial awareness, a sort of judicial every man or woman. Most of the time the characters are unaware of the narrator’s presence, but on occasion there may be interaction between a character and the narrator.
Scene I
(Justice Grendel pulls into his reserved parking space at the courthouse parking lot.
Narrator and Justice Grendel walking from the parking lot into the building.)
Narrator
(Putting his hand on the shoulder of Justice Grendel and speaking to the viewer.) This is Justice Grendel coming to work. He’s fair. Well at least he thinks he’s fair.
(Justice Grendel is oblivious to the existence of the narrator.) They walk into the building and into the justice's chambers. Justice Grendel walks by his secretary and says “Hi Babe." The Narrator is shocked. (He speaks to the secretary.) Madame- weren’t you offended?
Secretary
No, and please don’t call me Madame.
Narrator
Sorry, but may I ask your name?
Secretary
Babe Henderson.
Narrator
So you don’t mind being called . . . .
Secretary
By my name, certainly not.
Narrator
Do you have a good relationship with your justice?
Secretary
I really like working for Justice Grendel, but sometimes he is sarcastic when I make a mistake.
Justice Grendel
(Calling Babe. He sounds irritated.) Babe you have a remarkable talent to type while asleep. No doubt your comatose condition accounts for your omitting the changes I noted on page four.
Secretary
(To narrator.) See what I mean?
Narrator
Have you discussed your complaint with the justice?
Secretary
Should I have to?
Narrator
(Speaking to the viewers.) The way in which the court treats its staff reflects on its image. One never knows what staff say about the court to family or friends.
Scene II
Cut to Babe Henderson at a large family Thanksgiving dinner. She is at the head of the table about to carve the turkey. The mood is festive and gay. Uncle Jake yells, “It’s Thanksgiving. First thing we do, let’s kill all the turkeys.” Everyone laughs. Babe begins carving with the expertise of a neurosurgeon. She is intent and seems to be relishing her work. “You sure know how to slice up that turkey,” someone remarks. Babe looks up and says, “I just pretend its Judge Grendel, the turkey I work for.” Raucous laughter from the guests.
Narrator
See what I mean? In public it is important to keep your awesome power in check. Remember Teddy Roosevelt’s admonition and keep your voice down. Wearing your robes to dinner parties is not recommended. Nor is it advisable to hold members of the public, merchants, service personnel and the like, or even family and friends with whom you have disagreements, in contempt. Such conduct tends to erode public confidence in the courts.
Scene III
(Narrator follows Justice Grendel into a conference room for a writ conference. The writ attorney enters the room.)
Justice Grendel
(Acknowledging the writ attorney.) Hi Sweets.
Narrator
(To the writs attorney.) I suppose your name is Sweets.
Writs attorney
No, it's Honey Holloway.
Narrator
They shouldn’t talk to you in that manner.
Honey
Are you trying to stir something up?
Narrator
No, but calling you Sweets . . . .
Honey
It beats calling me by my name. I have told everyone not to call me Honey. I always bring candy to the court. That's why they call me "Sweets" and that suits me fine. Get it, dork head? So do me a favor and butt out.
Narrator
(To viewers.) Some people cannot appreciate legislation for their own good.
Scene IV
(In the courtroom. An attorney is arguing a case to the justices. Two of the justices are conversing on the bench while the attorney is arguing.)
Narrator
(Interrupts the justices. This time the narrator is invisible to the attorney but engages in conversation with the justices.) You know you are talking while the attorney is arguing.
Justice 2
We hear him. He’s not saying much. In fact he’s just repeating what was said in his brief.
Narrator
He probably thinks you are prejudiced against him.
Justice 2
We aren’t prejudiced against him, just against his position.
Narrator
But it looks to him and to his clients, who incidentally are in the courtroom, as though you do not care about his case. You owe him your undivided attention, no matter how bad his argument is.
Justice 3
(To the narrator.) Mind your own damn business.
Justice 2
(To Justice 3.) Smartest thing I've ever heard from you. You won’t get a dissent from me on that one.
Narrator
(To all the justices.) Your insolent and demeaning conduct is rude and boorish. You should treat all attorneys with respect and civility.
Justice 1
(First turning to his colleagues.) This guy is some kind of radical. (Now to narrator.) We have heard just about enough of you. Take this as a warning.
Narrator
You wouldn’t treat lawyers like this if you were private judges.
Justice 1
Bailiff ! (Bailiff pulls the screaming narrator out of the courtroom.)
I have to stop here. I don’t want to give the trick ending away. I don't have a release date, but when the film comes out, you are all invited to the premire.