This column speaks, among other
things, about matters of bodily functions. Reader discretion is advised.
“What goes around comes
around.” To appreciate the significance
of this well-known dictum, one must experience the “comes around” part. I recently did….
But first, the "goes around"
part. It was back in the mid-1970’s when
I was a municipal court judge. I took
pride in handling a heavy calendar, trying and disposing of cases with
dispatch, while, of course, assiduously
protecting the defendants' constitutional rights, and according counsel,
witnesses, and the jury every possible courtesy.
A city attorney assigned to my
court ‑ let’s call her Pia ‑ was a good lawyer, and I was fond of her. But she had an annoying habit that drove me
nuts. She constantly required breaks to
visit the “restroom.” No matter that her
urgencies often occurred at key moments during trial when a witness was providing
crucial testimony. She would squirm in
her seat, and stare at me with desperation in her eyes. This was not a ruse to sabotage opposing
counsel. If I did not respond to her
silent plea, she would ask for a recess, even while one of her own witnesses
was testifying favorably.
What to
do? I thought it inappropriate to
suggest she consult a urologist. I
discussed the problem with my colleagues, but their suggestions were less than
helpful. One person suggested I drop a
subtle hint by placing a catheter on the counsel table. I thought the idea indelicate, and, besides, I
had no idea what size. Finally, one day
after court, I broached the subject with her.
“Are all these breaks really necessary?” “They are restroom breaks,” she replied. “You see,” she went on, “I have an extremely
small bladder.” When she saw the color
vanish from my face, she said, “Not to worry.
I volunteered the information. But
check your impatience,” she cautioned.
“Some day you will know what I am talking about.”
When I was in my mid-60’s, and
young and foolish, I ran or, to be more accurate, crawled the L.A. Marathon. I trained with a diverse group of like-minded
people who also lacked judgment. We
established strong bonds. One of my new
friends with whom I trained was a young woman who did stand-up comedy. The week after our grueling race, our running
group went see her perform at The Ice House in Pasadena. I wrote some jokes she used in her routine: “So folks, you might wonder, why would I get
up at 5:00 in the morning and train for the punishing L.A. Marathon. I was looking for 'marathon man.' But all the men my age were in training
groups that ran 8- and 7-minute miles, too fast for me to sustain for 26 miles,
so I trained with a slower group that consisted mostly of older men. But there were compensating factors. From their sophistication and experience in
the world, I learned about things I would never have known. Did you know that prostatic hyperplasia is a
common ailment of men in their 60's and 70's?”
And this takes
me to my problem, the “comes around” part.
It reached its apogee during Verdi’s powerful, yet seldom performed,
opera Simon Boccanegra. I always seem to
get into trouble with Verdi's operas. I
do recall seeing a performance of Il Trovatore.
Or was it La Traviata? No
matter. The program notes mentioned the
passionate affair Verdi had with the incomparable soprano Giuseppina
Strepponi. They eventually married. I was so moved by the music and the couple's illicit
relationship that I composed a poem during the performance. The poem begins:
Guiseppina Strepponi
Loved Verdi and spumoni,
Was his lover, not a crony,
His muse, his rigatoni.
I read it to a
lady who sat down next to me in the lounge during intermission. She got up and left without saying a word. No doubt she deduced that I had penned my
lines during an important aria. I
subsequently added a quatrain, keeping to the same rhyme scheme, but not the
meter.
She, Verdi's love, his
love only,
A love that's true,
not phony,
They, an island, not
Coney,
They were ham and
cheese, not baloney.
So Verdi
struck again with Simon Boccanegra. It
is such a long opera that the geniuses at the Los Angeles Music Center decided
to schedule just one intermission. Seems
to me a long opera calls for two or maybe even three intermissions. So we get home a little later. What's the big deal?
The first and
second acts go on and on with several scene changes, during which the curtain
closes and the house lights go on, but in a dim mode. The screen on which the subtitles are written
reads, "NOT AN INTERMISSION."
The first time I read this disappointing message, my discomfort is in
stage one alert. The second time, stage
two alert, I grimace. I think to myself,
"Surely the intermission will occur soon.
We are not even into the second act." It is an eternal 15 or 20 minutes before the house
lights dim a third time with the infuriating message, "NOT AN INTERMISSION." Stage three alert!!! I am in agony. I silently curse Verdi. I have to make my move. I get up and make my way to the aisle. Of course my wife and I are sitting in the
middle of the row. Annoyed patrons
mumble, "Not an intermission."
"Quite true," I mumble back.
One obnoxious SOB with large feet refuses to move them so I can pass
by. "Not an intermission," he
growls. "I can read," I say. "Please let me by. It is an emergency." "An emergency?" he asks sarcastically. "You will regret it if you do not let me
by," I reply. Probably a dumb thing
to say. But he does ever so slightly move
his feet and I stumble over them. I
finally get to the end of the aisle. There,
I am met by a young attendant who says to me ‑‑ you know what. "Not an intermission," she intones with
authority. "Let me by," I
demand. "You will not be admitted
back into the auditorium until after the intermission," she says. "Will that be an hour or so?" I ask.
She is blocking the door. I walk past her and push open the door. In doing so, my hand brushes against her
sleeve. "You touched me," she
says with alarm.
Just what I need. The front page story in the Daily Journal
flashes before my eyes. "Judge Arrested
for Assault at Music Center." At
this time, I figure I have about 30 seconds left. A bright red flashing warning light goes off
in my brain like the one you see in films in which the spacecraft or the
massive structure that houses the death ray will blow up in seconds. I hear the recorded voice, implacable, crisp
and certain, methodically ticking off the seconds to total annihilation. "29…28…27…"
I tell the
young attendant who has followed me that I am ill. She panics and offers to call
paramedics. I say
"unnecessary," and bolt for my destination. I and several others in the same predicament
make it to the restroom just in time.
Yes, Pia, I get it. It had gone around,
and 35 years later it came around. I
watch the next scene on the television monitor in the lobby with a bunch of old
guys. Then comes the intermission. None of us care. The third act is a piece of cake.
I am occasionally called for jury
duty. I never get picked, but sometimes
judges are selected to sit on a panel. I
would love to sit on a jury but I worry about what could happen if I did. I fear that during trial I may squirm in my
seat and stare at the judge with desperation in my eyes.